Inflight Thinking and Drinking

I am a lazy person. It is in my nature to avoid any extensive work of any kind. If it isn’t easily attainable then I want no part of it. My writing is no different. I have a lot of ideas on what would make an interesting book but that would entail me having to actually research and write the books. Instead I think I will continue to think up book ideas and titles followed by nothing else.

I do, however, write notebooks. A significant portion of these notebooks is written while I am flying because it is either me writing or me drinking. I believe my fellow passengers prefer me to write instead of downing bourbons and singing along with my iPod. These notebooks are filled with eclectic ideas, sights, experiences, and rambling thoughts. The following is a list of book ideas and titles gleaned from my notebooks. Feel free to take them and use them in your own literary pursuits. I know there is a best seller on the list somewhere.

1. Henna: Picking Up Chicks on the Indian Subcontinent – On a recent flight I saw two young Indian American women with temporary henna tattoos (I assume they were returning from a wedding) and I think that henna tattoos are attractive.

2. Shut ’em Up or I will: Kids on Planes – Okay, this is an easy one…sort of a softball of book ideas…because who isn’t driven mad by kids on planes. This book, however, may be seen as a rip-off of the movie Snakes on Plane.

3. Blog Writing for Morons – Probably already written and I have obviously not read it.

4. My Teenage German Girlfriend: Real Shit That Happens to Me on International Flights – Seriously, this girl snuggled me for 6 hours as we crossed the North Atlantic.

5. The Rough Wasn’t: Misadventures in English Golf – This is actually the title and subject of my next blog post.

6. Airlines Want to Make You Fat: They Can’t Afford It Though – International flights have lots of snacks, meals, and drinks but the portions are so damn small that it would piss off a toddler…see number 2.

7. A Little Unrest is Good for Society: Everything I Learned About Rioting in England – I golfed with two grumpy Hobbits who were retired RAF officers and I learned A LOT about what caused the recent riots in England, oddly it was not the same causes that BBC reported.

8. Central Asians Like Boobs: Seeing the World Through Airline Magazine Ads – This is when I wish I was technologically proficient enough to post pictures here, also see number 4.

9. Soundtracks to Travelling: Metal and Electro-Pop – The UK gave us head banging and club music. They may not have an empire, but the British sure as shit have a way with marketing musical genres.

10. Big Waves and B Grade Movies: Cruise Ship Television Sucks – Having a large catalog of B grade movies does not make good viewing, but it does allow you to watch Weekend at Bernies while eating ice cream at 2 a.m. in your cabin (true story).

11. I Thought Sarah Palin (or Michelle Bachmann) Was Hot…I Was Wrong – There is so much to say about this, alternate title could be Sssh! Just Stand There and Look Pretty.

12. Romuluns Are Sexy: Dangerous Guy Syndrome – Who doesn’t like an evil ET with a tribal tattoo plastered across their face? Sorry, Mike Tyson is neither an ET or evil, he is just a weird human.

13. England is Burning; I’m Golfing – See numbers 5 and 7.

14. Me & Metal: Puberty Sucks – Heavy Metal and I both hit puberty at the same time, I wonder if I could figure out how to describe how the two of us have aged and if there are any parallels.

15. I is What I is: Popeye the Self-Actualized Man – This would be a study in the art of adopting a Popeye life philosophy. I imagine it would include eating spinach and chasing Kate Moss skinny chicks.

16. Yes You Should Get a Nose Ring: Stuff I Find Hot – Would probably just be a book length version of this list, and this is something I have said to a woman.

17. My Baby Likes Prison Movies; I Fear Communal Showers – This would also make a great Country & Western song…John Prine sings one that is similar.

18. Six Conversations At Once: How My Family Communicates – One: this is true, and two: this says a lot about me.

19. Pharmaceuticals for Dummies – This would be a great Christmas gift for that loved one that is looking for a meth alternative.

20. Digging Up The Dead: How Our View of Our Ancestors Affects Us – This phrase “digging up the dead” is how my Aunt Naomi described us sitting around talking about our dead family members…it was one of six conversations going on.

21. Women Who Try Too Hard Are Ugly – This would actually be an essay in a woman’s self-help magazine.

22. The Art of Bullshitting: Guys Expect It – It is not about the truth, it is about the entertainment value.

23. Sam Adams Has a Cell Phone: How to See Boston in 6 Hours – True story.

End of list for now.

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