The Four Horsemen of the Apocaplyse and One Exploited Child

I’m listening to The Police’s “Message in a Box: The Complete Recordings” and Sting sounds young and earnest. His future weirdness isn’t completely evident…but you get a sense that, if successful, he will do this whole dark solo career where he will go on stage barefooted with a massive back-up band, and look all reflective/deep…sort of a more commercialized Morrissey. Andy Summer’s guitar is loose and freewheeling. The early tracks are especially raw and mixed loosely that allows the vocals to run into the bass, guitar, and Stewart Copeland’s drums. They were obviously too poor to have a good sound mixer and engineer. This is the Police I like. It’s a band that is making the music of musicians who have talent and don’t give a fuck. 

But we all know the weirdness is there…we see it in their “Wrapped Around Your Finger” video. Those candles, the dancing…that’s just creepy because it’s about their willingness to be a bitch for someone and then celebrating it in song. “Wrapped Around Your Finger” is way creepier than “Every Breath You Take.” Obsession seems way more normal than self-actualized bitchness. By the way, the longer I listen to their musical catalog I am struck by the fact that the vast majority of their songs are about losing/wanting/needing/stalking women. This means The Police are the antithesis of Metallica. Metallica never sings about women, unless you consider “Last Caress/Green Hell” a love song. Note here: this would also imply that your definition of “love” is of a deviant and violent nature. 

Stewart Copeland’s foray into opera and classical music is proof too. Gen X moms love solo Sting; Gen X dudes want more Synchronicity. I have no idea what Andy Summers is doing these days (I guess I could Google him…but its more fun to think he is living off Police royalties and laughing at Stewart and Sting’s self-absorbtion), but Stewart and Sting chose themselves over music. 

Speaking of choosing oneself over their art. The world ended Wednesday, August 17th, 2011, at precisely 10 p.m. EST. At this moment, America’s self-absorption and commercial masturbation reached the pinnacle of apocalypse inducing events. The actual fabric of time was shorn, ripped, shredded. This is the time that the National Geographic Channel (HD) aired “Pint-Sized Preachers.” (

For the rest of this post I will refer to this end-of-time moment as PSP (sorry Sony…but yes, your gaming system has more socially redeeming qualities than this Nat Geo crap). 

Ok, confession time: I did not watch PSP. So now would be the appropriate time to stop reading this blog. This television show “review” is based on uninformed opinions formulated within the confines of a glass of bourbon and ice. You will obviously wonder how I can have a strong opinion (yes apocalyptic opinions about unwatched shows would be considered “strong”) on a show that I didn’t watch. Well, I feel it doesn’t matter that I didn’t watch this train wreck. I have never seen “Jersey Shore” but I know it is a piece of shit. Another side note here: I can’t quite articulate it, but I find Snookie sort of attractive. Maybe it’s the tan and hair, or (this is almost to perverted to type) maybe it’s her accent! 

I did, however, spend time debating myself on the advantages and disadvantages of watching PSP. I even set my DVR up to record it. Five minutes later, at the end of said debate, I deleted the record function. Explaining the debate is better than detailing the advantages and disadvantages. 

Me: “What a train wreck! Really?!!!! A: who thinks up this shit at these television corporation meetings? B: ….ah Hell! I am so pissed at this show already that I have forgotten what ‘B” was!” 

Me: “But you know it’s gonna be funny as Hell!” 

Me: “Yeah…but I get all pissed when I see, yet again, an example of religion being all perverted. It’s not worth the anger that will ooze from my pores while watching it.” 

Me: “But you know its gonna be damn funny!” 

Me: “Have we really, as a society, decided this is ‘normal’ enough to show on TV? I know it’s not normal normal but it is normal enough to not cause an immediate outrage. Shouldn’t social services be called on parents who exploit their children this way?” 

Me: “Dude, it’s gonna be funny! Like watching a little monkey reciting Bible verses! Then there is going to be all these adults (who should know better) encouraging the little monkey. It is going to be a riot!” 

Me: “My DVR deserves better! BBC America is showing the first episode of the ‘The Hour’ at the same time. A self-respecting human being with an ounce of intelligence would record that instead. I owe my DVR the right to record something other than ‘Squidbillies’ and ‘The Andy Griffith Show’….no BBC America wins!” 

Me: “PSP is gonna be…” 

Me: “I know ‘funny!’ but no! Nat Geo just lost some street cred!” 

Basically, we have chosen ourselves over our art. People are willing to watch PSP and not be so disgusted that this “church” is burned to the ground by an angry mob. This self-absorption, this desire to watch a child be exploited, is truly the final horseman of the apocalypse. See this video: because it’s the soundtrack I imagine in my head when I visualize me kicking the shit out of the PSP’s parents. Yes Virginia there are stupid television producers and tiny preachers who want your money! Santa Clause is waaaaay more normal!

By the way, I stopped listening to The Police a long time ago. They got too “weird” for me…Metallica is singing about something other than women right now on my iPod.


3 thoughts on “The Four Horsemen of the Apocaplyse and One Exploited Child”

  1. police was never my favorite but i immensely enjoyed sting’s mental meltdown/metamorphosis into a rock star with a social conscience. who the fuck does he think he is? bono?
    as far as metallica goes; fuck them. don’t get me wrong, they started out on the right foot but after “master of puppets” they discovered the formula that would buy them bentleys. from that point forward all they did was work on reinventing and repackaging their image…which is why i now refer to them as the madonna of metal.
    i threw up my hands on the whole deal with children and evangelicals after i watched “jesus camp” .

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