Monkeys and Midgets…and a President

If you want serious political analysis… go elsewhere. This is about mocking the mockers and being sarcastic to the sarcastic.

Political analysts and the media are creaming themselves over Herman Cain’s supposed sexual harassment shenanigans. Common sense says that this isn’t a “liberal” media attempt to knock him out of his GOP candidate frontrunner status. The liberals obviously want a GOP presidential candidate that is an easy target… and yes Herman Cain would be an easy target. Cain, right now, isn’t running against President Obama for the position of “the most powerful man in world.” Cain is running against other Republicans… I bet that bully Rick Perry or that whackadoo Bachmann did this (yeah I know it was probably that Pretty Boy Floyd Romney). *this group of GOP candidates have some of the greatest hair ever!

All I can say about these allegations is that his responses, right now, do not ring true. If I had ever been accused of sexual harassment, my memories of the event(s) would probably be permanently burned into my brain. If I can remember ever time a woman shunned my wooing (I can… one even laughed out loud when I spouted off-the-cuff poetry to her), then I would remember everything surrounding supposed sexual harassment charges. Men can be extremely goofy, the best defense is to own up to your goofiness and admit you said some stupid shit. I am not saying he intended to woo, or bed, these ladies… I am saying Cain is a man and men say stupid shit without thinking. Cain needs to man up and admit that he said some stupid shit. Enough said.

What bothers me about Cain is his inability to see he is out of his league. Selling pizzas, designing nuclear rockets (or something to do with nuclear missiles and the Navy), and being a motivational speaker doesn’t make you eligible. Really what bothers me about him is that he sort of acts the way I would if I was running for the GOP nomination. The smoking  and the cowboy ads are awesome. This is the kind of stupid shit I am talking about… this is stupid shit that I would do. This is exactly what I would put my name and face on if I was running for president. In my mind I can picture sitting in a bar with 3 buddies (Matt Glassman, Rob Buschman, and Steve Maguire) and downing bourbon, like the wonderful elixir it is, and having an in-depth conversation about my upcoming bid for the GOP nomination. We would be brainstorming on the most retarded way to garner attention. The two things missing from these ads (and the two things that would definitely be in my political ads) are a monkey and a midget. Once you have a midget and a monkey in your political ads, you become the candidate to beat… trust me.

I, however, can pronounce and locate the country of Uzbekistan; Cain can’t. Dude… it’s in Central Asia, and it’s one of the five former Soviet Republics that sit east of the Caspian Sea. Central Asia is kind of important right now considering we are fighting a war just south of Uzbekistan. *Turkmenistan is the country between Uzbekistan and Afghanistan. This is high school advanced geography. By the way, if I had been Cain I would have said “Motherfuckerstan” instead of “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.” Which is exactly my point, Cain says stupid the way I would say stupid. I understand Cain completely. Cain is making this shit up as he goes. Making shit up is my life’s philosophy. I bet Cain would call Afghanistan something like “Boogity-Boogity-Boogity-Amen-istan.” *Cain, I got three words for you Northern Distribution Network

I don’t want someone like me as president. I don’t want a goof ball who says “I don’t have the facts to back this up.” I don’t want a bullshitter for president. So let’s imagine my presidential campaign: *this is an intellectual exercise only

– campaign bus would have a hand written sign in back window that said “boob inspector on board”

– campaign staff would be required to call me “Senor Stink-a-link”

– campaign staff would be required to wear t-shirts that say “Reese is da bomb!” on the front, and the back would say “So give him the key to da bombs!”

– campaign ads would always have monkeys and midgets (see paragraph 3)

– heated debates would result in me calling someone a “nasty biotch!” and then I would slap them like they owed me money

See, I don’t need to be president. People supposedly like to vote for candidates that they would enjoy having a beer with. People are stupid. People like to have beer (or bourbon) with me… but I sure as Hell don’t need to be president. I am thoroughly entertaining and funny as shit when I drink, but I don’t need to be making the kind of decisions that require maturity. Cain is definitely entertaining and funny as shit, but he does not need to be president. Obviously he thinks it’s okay to give a thumbs up on really retarded ads, makes up names to countries (to show how he is average…yeah the average American has a problem with their geography), and knows how to sell pizza. I don’t want my president to be like me, I definitely don’t want them average. Because a president like me would demand that monkeys and midgets be the wait staff at official state dinners.

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