Crossbows, nut sacs, and the proper use of “tard”

I recently spent a Sunday afternoon giggling loudly as I killed my best friend (an unemployed nurse) and my 13 year-old nephew. Killing doesn’t accurately describe what I was doing to them. I was actually shooting explosive crossbow bolts into their faces, arms, chests, legs, asses, and their scrotum… oh yeah, lots and lots of nuttage shots. It was one of the best 2 hours I have spent recently.

Of course they were doing the same to me. We were playing BlackOps. If you don’t know what BlackOps is then you don’t know a single preteen/teenage/20/30/40 something boy. And yes I mean boys. When I play BlackOps, or giggling at monkeys, I am a 13 year-old boy. Participating in gratuitous violence video games is a pleasure that boys enjoy on a visceral level. If you don’t know about BlackOps then you have no idea why there is a new set of commercials (and building excitement of) for Modern Warfare: ELITE. You probably don’t listen to the angry German metal band Megaherz either.

Video games and video game violence has always been part of my life… those fucking Pac-Man ghosts were evil. Even when I was in the Army and actually got to blow shit up… I played video games. Now that I am a little older (physically), I find the idea of video game explosions more preferable to real-life explosions. Call me a fuddy-duddy, but the idea of strapping on body armor and running around sounds tiring, plus it would be hard to swig the amounts of bourbon I swig while conducting a recon-by-fire mission on my big-ass TV.

Video game violence is a distance third to movie/TV violence (2nd) and actual violence (1st) on the scale of disgusting. But it is a far, far, far distant third. Movie and TV violence is usually actors, who are human and who look like they really are dying as the result of a crossbow bolt to the nut sack. *this shit ain’t real… but it sure does look like it  I don’t want to contemplate an actual crossbow bolt to the twigs and berries. Real violence sucks, sucks in a way that has to be usually reserved by the nation-state because of its monopoly on the legitimate use of force (that would be the use of law enforcement, death penalty, and military). Basically this is where the nation-state hires, trains, and then uses teenage boys to go forth and shoot crossbow bolts into other nation’s boys’ nuts. *this is followed by a piss-poor transition back to the “real” world and shitty veteran services… hey the boys served their purpose right?

But video game violence is fun and funny. I won’t try to rationalize my reaction, and I won’t try to say that it is harmless. I have no fucking idea if video game violence is harmless. I really don’t give a shit. What I will say is that video game violence is fantastically entertaining. Shooting an unemployed nurse and boy (who has the unfortunate luck of having me for an uncle) is awesome. *by the way, we also play with 38 year-old doctor… and I am not talking about a PhD’ doctor, but an actual “oh shit, let me cut that crossbow bolt out of your dingles for you… this is gonna hurt” doctor

I have learned some important, in the video gaming world, lessons. These lessons have been learned with real life repercussions. *basically I wasted a lot of good bourbon because it was being shot out the nose through laughter

– actual 13 year-old boys are quicker on the draw than 40-year-old boys

– “camping” is only fun if you are the camper *camping is the act of hiding in one spot and ambushing your enemies (unemployed nurses, nephews, and medical doctors)… obviously the real battle tactic of ambushing is frowned upon in the odd world video games, and obviously, one who engages in “camping” is a “camper”

– cursing campers (over the air on your blue tooth mic) is not only acceptable, but expected *once I was actually called a “fucking tard fucker” by some preteen during an online match

– learning new and colorful ways to curse fellow gamers is an art form that never gets old… and I thought I knew how to curse

Mario Kart prepared me for BlackOps… those little exploding turtle shells are not a far step from those exploding crossbow bolts… and let’s not forget about the god-like violence of lightning that strikes you from the heavens that renders you into a tiny little Mario Karter

– it is perfectly okay to randomly throw grenades into buildings and alleys, you never know what nurse, doctor, or boy, will be camping in them while armed with crossbow

– looking good is as important as being good at shooting your crossbow… unlocking (by getting a bunch of succesful nut shot kills with your crossbow) uniforms, gear, weapons, and face paint is one of the sly pleasures of BlackOps *I may not be the best killer in the game, but I’m the best looking killer in the game… outfitting your character reminds me of my days of youth and playing Barbie dress-up (damn, I have had way too much bourbon tonight)

Running amok on the digital battlefield is euphoric. You don’t have to be healthy, fit, or even have a killer instinct. All you need is the electronics and the time… and the ability to accuratey aim at your adversary’s groin. Video game violence may be harmful for some badly adjusted boy or man, but it doesn’t make us all real-life killers. Corporate video game makers may be professionally run, they may make a ton of profits, and they may not even be environmentally friendly… but they are amateurs when it comes to training and using boys as tools of war. We as a society, through our government, do a far better job at it.

I guess my point is that I really, really like shooting my friends and family in the balls. But at the end of the game their scrotum is still attached to their bodies and they get to live to fight another day. I’ll take my violence with a side order of random teenage boy cursing over the real thing any day. *by the way, I am looking for new nut sacs to aim at, so if you own a PS3 give me a shot out… I will gladly add you and your balls to my “friends” list

 

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