Making lists and eating bologna sandwiches

Guys talk in lists and either/or questions. We constantly discuss life in terms of running checklists that gauge how we value, or attach value, to things. Our conversations follow a pattern of posing a question followed by a response that rank orders the universe. We also tell good stories; the best stories are the ones that end in list or a question that causes the listeners to choose between one shitty answer and another crappy one. Our friendships are made of habits and the easy back and forth. *guys do not lie to one another, guys embellish to make a story better… I expect, I demand my buddies to turn a funny story into a fant-ass-tic epic

This habit of conversations fits me well because I am an habitual person. Pretty much a creature of habit. So scheduled that people know not to bother stopping by my office, or calling me, from 7:30-7:50 am because I am busy dropping the kids off at the pool… everyday. I enjoy being on schedule.

One of the things that is scheduled everyday is lunch with some buddies in my office. This is when the fant-ass-tic epics, lists, and questions are discussed. My office is the storytelling locale because my office is a good-sized room (no window though) with a round table that sits 5. The lunch attendees will number from 2-5 and is composed of the same buddies: Matt, Jared, Jacob, and Steve. I imagine, because I have no fucking clue, that women and their friends have to ask and schedule lunch everyday… my friends and I do not schedule… we assume lunch is on. Just like we assume one of our buddies will tell us if we have a booger showing in our nose.

I would say that this lunch group is a good sample of average guys; it’s not. I am, by far, the mental midget in the group. This group has the following characteristics (some of the guys have one or more of the following attributes): 3 PhDs, a librarian (who is a super hipster… seems there is a big hipster movement among librarians… who knew?), an economist, two real-live political scientists, a Yale graduate, a University of Tennessee graduate, a University of Florida graduate, a National War College graduate, and a former Army officer (that is the only way to distinguish me among these highly intelligent men). What we have in common is our healthy disrespect for authority (except Jacob… he is a natural born company man), and a sense of humor.

We also assume someone is going to have a good story to tell. There will be lists and their will be questions. These lists and questions allow us to consider alternate views while maintaining our own sense of “I know what is fucking right, so shut your cake hole.” If any of these stories, lists, or questions were serious, we would have serious issues. Fortunately, nothing we discuss is of importance. Our friendship is deep because we can discuss the unimportant and inconsequential.

There doesn’t have to be agreement, there doesn’t have to be voting blocks… you don’t even have to know what we are talking about. All one has to do is be able to bullshit and provide reasonable points for the bullshit. Here are three examples of the lists and questions that has been discussed: *for the record all names have been changed to protect the guilty… plus I am not going to provide you with anything that is incriminating

1. When was Madonna the hottest? *the following is my response

– “Express Yourself” Madonna, that platinum blonde bob cut is to die for, she wasn’t crazy-ass Cabala skinny and she had lost the baby fat of the “Like a Virgin” Madonna. She was a perfect size 6/8… plus she liked getting nasty with greasy men. Please no Dennis Rodman jokes.

2. Who in the group would make the best presidential candidate (of either party)?

– The Yale graduate seems like the choice considering there is a precedent… and what a bang-up job the last Yale graduate did… but no, not the Yale graduate. He has too many “on the record” comments about politicial issues on his blog. Next you would assume the economist, especially in today’s fiscal environment… but no. Americans voters will never elect a president that actually knows something about the economy. You would think one of the political scientists… but that is worse than having an economist as president. People just aren’t going to go for candidate that is smarter than them…. and political scientists never let you forget that they are smarter than you (even if they aren’t). I guess you would say the National War College graduate… I mean, he should have the whole national security thing down pat… alas, no. That guy has way too many skeletons in his closet and has the bad habit of cursing all the fucking time. It is like the dude has tourrettes. This leaves us with our hipster librarian, and truly he is the best choice. He is cool, he is a snappy dresser… and everyone loves a librarian. Additionally, he is an artist… everybody loves people who can be artsy.

3. Which GOP presidential nomination candidate has the best hair?

– This is really one of the hardest questions we have contemplated… because almost all of them have great fucking hair. Let’s first identify the obvious “no fucking” ways: Ron Paul… his problem isn’t exactly his hair (even though there isn’t much), it is his ears. Those ears totally distract from the rest of his melon. I swear Ron Paul is Ross Perot in a failed attempt at a disguise. *please note the exact same initials “RP” and those crazy ass ideas Next is Herman Cain… well he doesn’t have hair so that immediately excludes him from the running. But let’s cut to the chase, and identify the three true contenders: Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, and Michelle Bachmann. Mitt Romney has great hair AND a great haircut. You just know that gentlemanly grey coif has never had a cheap pair of scissors touch it. Rick Perry’s hair is good AND firm. You also know it is colored. No way that man has that has hair that dark at his age. *not sure if hair coloring excludes one from the contest Finally, we have Michelle Bachmann. Let’s face it she has the best hair, it looks thick and luxurious. It may be colored, it may be expensively cut… but who gives a shit… that is great fucking hair. Plus, the judges of this contest are men… and men are suckers for pretty hair. Michelle Bachmann wins, bangs down! *I have a theory that politicians with great hair are more apt to be involved in a sex scandal, I have no proof… but think about it… doesn’t it seem that all this horny politicians have great hair… and if that is true… maybe we should elect Ross Perot

This is how I spend my lunch… talking bullshit with some really smart guys. You may think that this bullshit is worthless, it isn’t. This is how we show we care. This is how arrange our universe and measure our friends. Because the mundane and stupid brings out the best in your friends.It makes great lunch conversation… and beats us mocking those with food allergies… Jacob … Steve




One thought on “Making lists and eating bologna sandwiches”

  1. Economists are always the assholes, telling people their ideas will not work. Not ever going to get elected pissing in everyone’s cheerios.

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