SSSHHHH…. go buy some shit

Putting the CHRIST back in CHRISTmas is a popular saying (this popularity is gauged solely by seeing a number of friends and family who have made a point of espousing their affinity for CHRISTmas via Facebook). I personally don’t celebrate CHRISTmas and it has nothing to do with CHRISTians, it has to do with my utter distaste with rampant American commercialism. As a 41 year-old man with a decent job, I buy the shit I want when I want, and if I want to buy you some shit… I will do it on my time-table. I get pissed when retailers tell me when to buy worthless crap… I especially loathe VALENtine’s Day. Corporate America does not need to, nor is it capable of, assisting me in getting some nookie through the purchasing of flowers and chocolate (isn’t that shit passe by now?). My inadequate or adequate ass-getting abilities are my own business.

American consumerism is rampant, and in the War on CHRISTmas the battle lines have been identified. Bill O’Reilly (the Black-n-Decker of power tools) has provided us an easy to read list of retailers who are willing to sell you shit under the banner of “Merry CHRISTmas” and the retailers who have sided with Satan and selling you shit under the banner of “Happy Holidays.” If Jesus was shopping this CHRISTmas, he would obviously go to JCPenny, Macy’s, bloomingdales, and Dillard’s; whereas Satan fights the crowds at Sears, Wal-Mart, KMart, BJ’s (of course he shops at BJ’s because he invented bjs), Target, Costco, and Kohls.

This big box store assault on this holy day is very old… The John Birch Society has been warning us about it since 1959. The 1959 pamphlet warned that “One of the techniques now being applied by the Reds to weaken the pillar of religion in our country is the drive to take Christ out of Christmas – to denude the event of its religious meaning.” The “godless” UN (the UN was a Soviet tool of persuasion during the Cold War if you were wondering) was full of fanatics that were making efforts to “poison” the 1959 CHRISTmas season with high pressure propaganda to force department stores to use UN symbols of the holidays instead of good ‘ol American CHRISTmas decorations. The John Birch Society, in 1959, called on all Americans to respond by telling department stores “… that those with improper ornamentation wouldn’t be getting their business.” HOLY SHIT that is one long ass war… 1959 to 2011 is 52 years. How is the word “CHRISTmas” even part of our modern American lexicon following such a long war?

So this war on CHRISTmas began with the godless Soviets, through the UN, attempting to subvert American CHRISTianity. Then, through UN pressure on CHRISTmas decoration selection, department stores were part of the front lines on the War on CHRISTmas. Now, in 2011, tools like Bill O’Reilly are continuing this clarion call to ensure we Americans don’t allow CHRIST to be taken out of CHRISTmas. (well actually, Bill O’Reilly is doing it to continue putting money in his pocket through the manipulation of stupid people… but hey this America so if you are willing to be manipulated, then you deserve to be manipulated)

How you celebrate your December 25th is your business. How corporate America attempts to sell you shit from October through December is their Business (yes a capital “B”). Because business is what America is about.

Now, if you are a CHRISTian and a Republican you got to have a little hypocricy induced heartburn over this war and season. The GOP believes “… in the power and opportunity of America’s free-market economy” as stated on their website. Specifically, the GOP’s platform on the economy (in a nutshell) is the idea that market place should be allowed to pick winners and losers, and the government should use “sensible” business regulations that promote confidence among consumers. If retailers can sell more shit by saying “Happy Holidays” then that is exactly how retailers should sell their shit… it’s the American way.

This argument suggests that a big box store should be allowed to use the terms “Merry CHRISTmas,” “Happy Holidays,” or “Fantalicious Festivess” in a manner they determine best meets their marketing needs. The market should determine how retailers advertises and sells shit during the holidays. Demanding, through political discourse, that retailers should be punished for using the term “Happy Holidays” sounds a little unAmerican… if you are an advocate of the free market.

Now, back to my original FB survey of the CHRIST in CHRISTmas… I have read the word “CHRISTmas,” on a scale of 3-to-1 on FB, than “Happy Holidays.” The war on CHRISTmas seems to be more of a vocal response to visceral angst of the assumed changing nature of American society than an actual assault on baby Jesus’ birthday. According to the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life, 78.4% of Americans claim to be CHRISTian… which implies a small minority of Americans (21.6%) are conducting the war from the unholy side.

The politics of victimhood is easy and bears some fruit in the election booth. If someone keeps telling you are victim, if people (talking douchebags like O’Reilly) say that your sense of self, religion, and way of life are being assaulted, and cherry pick analogies to prove their point, then you are under assault. Fact: the majority of American culture and societal roots are based on western European civilization and its history of Catholicism/CHRISTianity and Greek philosophy (two very strange bedfellows on the surface)… to deny CHRISTianity’s influence our values, morals, and laws is ignorant. The Enlightenment, one of the confluences of CHRISTianity and Greek philosophy, is a foundation of America. This confluence and the wonderful mixing of immigrants (all of us have immigrant roots) is what sets us apart… we are the beacon on the hill. (yep… I just used a Reagan quote)

There is no growing war on CHRISTmas, there is just growing talk of a supposed war on CHRISTmas. CHRISTians and supposed CHRISTians are not having to explain to their children why the family doesn’t celebrate another religion’s holiday… the ONLY religious holiday the federal government recognizes. The only thing we are actually victims of is listening, and believing, to political commentators who attempt to manipulate us for their own gains. Now quit bitching about this imaginary war and go buy some shit… our CHRISTian nation is relying on you.


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