The Art of Bitching, Skinterns, and AC-DC

Capitol Hill sucks in the winter. Even though there are a number of my family members who refuse to believe DC is in the South,1 it is Southern AND we do have some crappy weather during the winter months. The weather isn’t as crappy as real Northern cities like NYC, but it is crappier than Jacksonville. Thus during the winter months the young female Hill staffers, and a limited number of interns, are not rocking their summer glory.2

One of the benefits of working in a Southern city, built on a swamp, is that during the summer months, when it is hot and humid, skinterns3 overwhelm it in their short skirts, tight blouses, flip-flops,4 and heels.5 There seems to be the idea that one should shed one’s clothes to get a job here… DC’s version of the casting couch. They do their job6 and others do theirs.7 My winter bitch is all about the weather restricting skintern clothing options.

Bitching in blogging is very popular. People I Want To Punch In The Throat is a very, very popular bitching blog. It is also highly entertaining and hilariously funny. It has a huge following, and the mom who writes it strikes a chord with her followers. I follow her, but sometimes I don’t get the whole motherhood/parenting angst.8 This mom gets the bitching correct. Sometimes writers get the bitching wrong, or wear out their welcome with their bitching.

Yeah, I’m talking about David Sedaris.  Sedaris has been described as an autobiographical, self-deprecating, middle-class (from Raleigh, North Carolina) humorist. His shit was extremely funny when he was younger and spent all his efforts on describing growing up gay in a somewhat dysfunctional family that included a chain-smoking and alcohol guzzling mother. Busting on yourself and your family goes a long, long way. Angry childhoods, teen age years, and early adult life are periods that make great humor writing. But now he is a really rich guy who spends his time between Paris and Tokyo.9 Sedaris now lives with his partner who is a rich-ass architect. Sedaris humor now revolves around how rough his life is living in French farm houses and Japanese luxury high rises. This type of bitching doesn’t fly. One of his latest books, that revolves around animals talking and acting like humans, reads like he mailed that shit in while sipping wine, or sake, and laughing about all the dumbasses who will buy the book regardless of how awful it is. Sedaris was funny when he was poor and new to making it, now he sounds like an aging silver screen actress who has lost her looks. If he would go back to being angry and poor, I will start reading and buying his books. Bitching is an art that Sedaris no longer masters.

I can be a dumbass though and will continue to buy stuff from artists I love… even if they started mailing their shit in. I am the type of Metallica10 fan that will buy any of their music regardless of how crappy it may be in the future. Long hair, short hair… I always rock to Metallica. Even if they started making music about women11 I will still listen to them. Some argue that Metallica (talking to you Shawn Albertson) is as big a sell-out that Sedaris is. So be it… they ROCK!!!!

This immediately makes me think of the greatest nonsell-out band of all time. AC-DC has never sold-out. Every AC-DC song12 is about sex. When they say “… the girl’s got rhythm …” they ain’t talking about her dancing abilities. Everyone likes AC-DC, everyone cranks them up on their radio when driving. Anyone, at anytime, can get up in a karaoke bar and sing any of their songs. AC-DC is true to themselves and they have never changed their 3-chord theme. Even non-drinkers want to slam shots of Jager when AC-DC starts playing. When AC-DC makes a movie soundtrack,13 they rock it. Interestingly, I am aware of no one who can claim to have had the “ol’ bump and grind14 when AC-DC was playing. AC-DC rocks so hard that it makes you want to stop whatever you are doing (like the bump and grind) and causes you to start throwing your fist in the air.  AC-DC is so bad-ass that no other band gets more military videos made with their songs as the soundtrack. No one bitches about AC-DC, no one claims they have sold-out.

It is not skintern weather here in DC. It is, however, an appropriate time to bitch about bitching. It is also an appropriate time to talk about Metallica, AC-DC, and reference an R. Kelly song.15 This is called keeping it real, and Sublimemonkey is about keeping it real.16

1 DC is below the Mason-Dixon Line, Maryland was forcibly (like Kentucky) kept in the Union, and Arlington (Robert E. Lee’s former home) is no farther than a spit from the White House. My family is in Tennessee and Alabama, to them anything above 36.597889 latitude is “Northern.”

2 At 41, I am starting to feel creepy when I notice 22 year-old young women’s attire and attributes.

3 Skintern is a term used to identify a young female intern that works in DC, usually for Congress, during the summer months and wears completely inappropriate (and revealing clothing).

4 Like any good Southern city, flip-flops are the appropriate footwear to be worn once one steps out of an air-conditioned building. This also helps one identify those around you with “Celtic toe.”

5 Unfortunately, most of these young ladies are either freshly out of college and have not perfected the heel walk. If you wobble or you are unable to understand you must avoid street grates… then you should practice your heel walk in the confines of the apartment you are sharing with 8 other skinterns.

6 Making coffee, copying shit, showing cleavage, playing along with bad sexual harassment comments.

7 Watching them make coffee, watching them copying shit, looking at their cleavage, and some of them actually sexually harass… for the record I have never had an intern nor do I ever intend to have an intern. But I do make inappropriate comments to Jared, Jacob, Matt, and Steve… but they are asking for it by wearing sexy ties.

8 If you are a new reader and not one of the 12 who consistently read my blog, let me introduce myself… I am a childless (by choice) man of 41 and no I am not gay.

9 I am not talking about Paris, Kentucky, or Paris, Texas either. By the way, I was incapable of finding any other city named Tokyo or than THE Tokyo in Japan.

10 If I have said it once, I have said it a million times: Metallica is the greatest fucking band in the world!!!!!

11 Metallica has never sung a song about a woman or women in general… which is sort of like Judas Priest except Rob Halford, the lead singer of JP, is gay and I am not aware of any Metallica member being gay. For the record I love JP almost as much as I love Metallica. Metallica is opposite of the Rolling Stones, the Police, and Aerosmith… because all of these bands are incapable of singing any song that doesn’t have to do with nookie.

12 Unlike Metallica, every AC-DC song is about nookie… even “For Those About To Rock” is probably about sex… just substitute “rock” for “fuck” in the title and you get AC-DC’s point.

13 The movie was Maximum Overdrive and the soundtrack album was Who Made Who, here is the official video to the title song… please note Stephen King’s cameo. Stephen King was the author of the novella that was turned into the movie. AC-DC also did the soundtrack to Iron Man 2… yeah it rocks.

14 Unfortunately, this is the official R. Kelly “Bump and Grind” video, thus it doesn’t include him urinating anywhere or on anyone.

15 Referencing R. Kelly in a paragraph about AC-DC is definitely something you should bitch about… that is just wrong.

16 If you did not click that blue link, go back and do so now. This is not a joke, like telling you to Google “Santorum“<that link makes it easy for you if you don’t want, or you are too lazy, to Google “Santorum.” Yeah, I’m talking to you Shawn Albertson.


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