James Dalton for President

This man is James Dalton. James Dalton should be our next president. James Dalton is a “cooler.”

Coolers kick ass as bouncers at rough and tumble bars… especially the extremely dangerous roadhouses of Missouri. On the side, Coolers like Dalton are known to defend the innocent citizens of small towns against baddies like corrupt businessmen, thugs, biker gangs, and possibly mimes.1 Dalton, like most coolers, are also known for their kind and gentle hearts, which results in them gaining the attention of the town’s hottest single woman. Unfortunately, this woman is usually also the focus of attention of the town’s most evil son-of-a-bitch. Love always blossoms between the cooler and the hot woman. This love goes on to be a strength, as opposed to a weakness2 in the cooler’s armor, that the cooler uses to defeat the town’s evil son-of-a-bitch.

Cooler’s are pragmatic, yet true to their inner beliefs. These inner beliefs usually revolve around protecting the young, the elderly, and the defenseless. These sweet inner beliefs are another sign of the cooler’s kind and gentle heart. Coolers don’t want to kick your ass, but they will.

If you are downing one too many shots of tequila at your local roadhouse and feel the need to feel-up your waitress… a cooler will step in to not only protect the innocent wait staff, but also to remind you of your manners. If you are doing funnel after funnel of beer and decide to pick a fight with a fellow patron,3 a cooler uses just the right amount of force to separate the two of you, and then proceeds to throw your drunk asses out into the gravel parking lot. Needless to say, coolers are bad-asses and know how to handle all types of situations.

In these rough and tumble times facing America, Dalton’s time to mount the political stage has come. James Dalton is exactly the kind of man we need for president. His ability to assess all situations, and then properly apply the right amount of force is what we need in our next president. An enforcer with a gentle and reflective personality4 is the qualities the next president is going to need as America navigates the rough waters of fiscal restraints and the continued globalization of trade, crime, terrorism, and war.

One would vote for James Dalton because he is the epitome of the common man.5 James Dalton would be an independent. He would do well in Iowa’s primary because he is not only a man who could beat President Obama in the election booth, but because he would be true to the beliefs of his constituency. No one would have to choose between a candidate that would appeal to large groups of voters and a candidate that appeals to the narrow beliefs and interests of a voting minority.

Unfortunately, James Dalton is not one of the GOP presidential candidate nominees. Instead, the GOP voters are having to choose between nominating a candidate that could, theoretically, beat the President due to his “normalcy”6 or a gaggle of “true”7 conservatives.

This difficult conundrum facing GOP voters was expressed in an article in today’s Washington Post. This conundrum is whether or not to vote for a candidate that has a chance to beat President Obama in the 2012 elections, or to vote for someone who is “true” to conservatism. This, in turn, leads to the following questions: A) is beating Obama really a reason to vote, and B) what the hell does conservatism mean to these voters?

Beating Obama seems to be a valid point if your reason for voting is nothing more than you believe anyone is better than the current president. Following this train of thought results in me assuming that these voters would even be willing to elect me president (you do not want me as your president). Unadulterated hatred of a president, or at least a large dislike, is as valid as any reason within the American political process. The real question is: what is the reason for the hatred? Race and ignorance may be factors in the answer to this question. There are also individuals who won’t vote for any Democrat.8 Additionally, there is the idea that by voting party is the only way to make your vote count. If your party controls everything, then your idea of governing will be more likely to happen. But again, it makes one ponder in the idea of political actions for the pure sake of defeating one’s political enemy. Do voters really want to be a two year-old who says nothing but “no?”

The second question is even more confusing. What conservative means is a discussion the GOP is grappling with. According to the dictionary,9 “conservative” means: 1) disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change; 2) cautiously moderate or purposefully low (a conservative estimate); and 3) traditional in style or manner, avoiding novelty or showiness.

Is Rick Santorum the candidate that defines conservative? His website seems to convey the ideas he is for are ending partial birth abortions,10 overhauling the welfare system, and “fighting” taxpayer abuse and Washington corruption. Are these things that seem “disposed to preserve existing conditions?” Another GOP candidate, Ron Paul, is opposed to US intervention in the world… hasn’t the US been a leading world power since WWII… does over 50 years constitute a “tradition?”

None of these questions really matter. The real question a GOP voter has to ask themselves is this: are my political views, and the political views of my favorite GOP candidate, seen as favorable, or electable, to the majority of my fellow Americans? If the answer to that question is no (and it seems the answer to that question is no considering the problem the GOP voters are having in finding an electable candidate) then maybe those political views, and candidates, aren’t really good for America. If your political candidate is not electable, then your candidate and your views are probably fucked up, or (at a minimum) not popular with the majority of Americans. Conversely, you may be right and everyone else is fucked up.11

James Dalton is not fucked up. James Dalton is a winner. James Dalton is a cooler, and coolers kick ass. James Dalton for President in 2012.

1 Okay, I made the mime part up, but it is possible that a troupe of mimes may invade some unsuspecting Missouri town and render them helpless through deft displays of “man in a box” and “man roping another man.”

2 Caliste Gingrich.

3 Naturally, this patron will be a giant of a man who has a beard, drives a motorcycle, and is always as piss-drunk as you are.

4 Coolers are reflective because they have mysterious pasts and one has to assume they have survived some really nasty shit. Coolers are also known for their ability to master Eastern martial arts, which means they are really smart and deep. They are the Zen masters of bar employees.

5 Common man as in he rocks a mullet, works out a lot, knows martial arts, gets hot women, kicks lots of ass, works in an alcohol establishment but never touches the stuff, and is an all around good guy. Obviously, this is exactly what the definition of “common man” is in the dictionary.

6 Normalcy as in he isn’t a bigot, womanizer, historical revisionist, Bible-thumbing hypocrite, or a bat-shit lunatic.

7 True as in amazingly stiff in their opposition to compromise (I mean who needs to compromise in a country of 300 million), totally committed to treating their fellow Americans as pieces of trash, and totally ignorant of reality.

8 Jimmy Carter, LBJ, the Civil Rights Act, and other “Democrat” factors have truly tainted a lot of voters… especially older, white Southern voters.

9 It seems the dictionary is not used very often in daily discourse, especially daily political discourse.

10 Interestingly, this is the very first thing mentioned on this website. Ending partial birth abortion is the most pressing problem America is facing?

11 In this case you are doubly fucked because not only are you right and everyone else is wrong, but you also have to face the reality that the large group of wrong people are not going to listen to you.


5 thoughts on “James Dalton for President”

  1. Dalton for president! I love Obama but I would live in that world in a minute. Just wait until some regulator in the SEC says “but I was on my break” when another bank screws people.

    I kept telling myself I wouldn’t watch the Republican primaries, because at the outset it was obvious that none of the wackos running could do anything to earn my vote. But now it’s like watching a 10-bird cockfight where all of them have a blindfold on: every one of them is just going apeshit on everyone else with nothing but natural, inborn, snarling hate as motivation. No alliances, no decorum, no illusions of there being a tomorrow. Just fuck up whatever that thing is closest to you, then move on. I hate myself for loving it.

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