I am a very fortunate man. My family loves me. My 13 year-old nephew (willingly) plays video games with me. My twin nephew and niece (willingly) run across a room to hug me with all their tiny might. My sister and I are engaged in a blog writing conversation that is far more meaningful than any in-person conversation we have had in the past. My best friend Rob has now begun blogging and engages me through it. I don’t have ass tumors and I am capable of running 10 miles without dying of a heart attack. Essentially, I am living the good life.1
Good friends that crack my ass up is another joy in my life. They can also be obstinate in their beliefs on important things.2 Today, Kevin threw a gauntlet down. Kevin claimed to have found the worst metal video of all time. One thing 40something men, who revel in musical trivia, enjoy is when one of their number makes a statement that carries such a weight.3 This is similar to chumming the water and then jumping in wearing a meat bikini as you see the sharks circling. Kevin thought he had found the worst metal video …Kevin never saw what bit him.
First, a few ground rules have to be established.
– The video has to be of a song that is recorded by a band that is not intentionally mocking or humorous. I could make a horrible metal video but I would be doing it for laughs. Smart-asses like myself are automatically disqualified.
– The video cannot be Japanese. Everything they make looks horrible to us. Watch this and tell me that isn’t fucking odd, and supposedly this was a number 1 hit in Japan.
– The video cannot be of some group of suicidal teens attempting to be bad-asses. Again, I could make a video of really stupid shit in an attempt to be a bad-ass, and I would fail as miserably as this. It also makes me think that the cheese-eating surrender monkeys (French) should also be excluded from consideration.
– Although Scandinavian death/black metal is potentially in the running, any video that includes a pudgy Norwegian girl in a short skirt and pantyhose is automatically disqualified. That is not the worst of anything, that is just sad.
Kevin proposed4 that King Diamond’s “The Family Ghost” is the worst heavy metal video of all time. I counter this proposition by pointing out, in a Chuck Klosterman manner, that this can’t be the worst metal video of all times because it is boring in its typical presentation style. Faux concert videos were the mainstay of 80s rock bands.5 This, simply put, is when the band performs their song while standing on a mock stage in front of a mock audience, if an audience is even present. King Diamond is doing this, and the only unique part to their attempt at faux concert performing is that this “stage” is obviously in a dungeon and the “crowd” is King Diamond’s lead singer. The only factor that makes this video cross into the realm of “worst” is the cut scenes of the lead singer eating, in what appears to be, a sandwich or an oddly shaped hunk of baby ass.
I nominated Thor’s “Anger Is My Middle Name.” One, it is blatantly 1980s with bad hair cuts. There appears to be cardboard swords instead of the real ones seen in Scandinavian death metal videos. It looks to have been filmed by a high school Aud/Vid class. The lead singer, while in chains, states “I’m in chains.” Band members look like rejected Krull stand-ins. Basically, Thor is trying so hard to be bad-ass that they come across as ‘tards. Finally, filming in a state park, or on my Dad’s farm, doesn’t exactly give you metal cred, instead it makes you broke and dumb. I believe I have found the worst metal video EVER.
Other videos were nominated and included:
– This video, and no clue who it is. They seem to be German, but it appears it may be a spoof video. However, the serious and heavy guitar thrashing makes me think it is legit, unfortunately it isn’t too legit to quit.6
– Alternate Reality’s “The King That Never Was.” This is more of a story being told than an actual song. I do like how the words “wicked necromancer” is thrown out there. “Is it myth or reality?” ends the intro and makes me wish it was only a myth. Unfortunately, this song and video do exist.
– The Black Satans’ “The Satan of Hell.” Okay, isn’t that a little redundant? Is there a Satan from somewhere other than Hell? Obviously, this is one of them Scandinavian death/black metal bands. There seems to be a death metal proclivity toward filming videos in the woods. This one is especially entertaining considering the way the Black Satans jump around in the snow like little monkeys.
– Enfrayia gets an honorable mention for mixing a somewhat metal sound with goofy tumbling. One quick idea though, if you are going to bare your chest and show off your ink, ensure that ink is real and not a magic marker.
– Van Canto’s “Kings of Metal” get kudos for mixing group singing with a metal soundtrack. I’m not sure, but this seems to be some sort of religious ceremony.
– Death Metal Parrot wins the animal category for most entertaining. If you click on no other link in the blog, please be sure to click on this one. Death Metal Parrot kicks ass!
It’s hard to be the best “worst metal video ever.” Thankfully, there are idiots who attempt to make them, and idiots who spend a whole evening looking for them so they can link them in a blog post.
1. I am also professionally educated and employed, which I think is about two feet higher than a lot of people hung the bar for me in my youth.
2. I, conversely, have never been obstinate … um, right.
3. We especially like being told that something is the “worst ever” as in it is really the “best ever” when we know damn well it ain’t either. We are curmudgeonly that way.
4. I’m trying to be nice, because he actually “claimed” it was the worst.
5. Van Halen was the master of faux concert videos, like this one.
6. Sorry MC Hammer.