We only have ourselves to blame

“If I were an enzyme I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.” – Nerd joke

Nature versus nurture, who the Hell knows? Parenting, however, must be hard considering the number of douche bags I run into in my daily rotation around the Sun. Honestly, I trip over these former children all the time. The impatient driver turning at an intersection that nearly kills me when I am running regardless to the fact that I had a green little walking guy light.1 The fully sighted blind person that steps in front of me at the groceries as if I am completely invisible. The corporate-employed customer representative that is completely incompetent and rude.2

I don’t have kids but I was one once, and I can be a douche bag.Blaming my parents for me as the semi-functioning adult that I am isn’t something I do. Matter of fact, I am so self-centered and narcissistic that I like to claim my douchebaggery wholly as my own. My huge-ass mistakes in life are the things that I know are completely my own. I don’t want to share credit with anyone, let alone my parents.4 In most cases, I am no different from anyone else is when it comes to being self-centered. We all stumble along in our life assuming we are the only important ones.5

Raising children (both self-centered and little Mother Theresas) is a heavy mantle of responsibility. I have no idea what parental mistakes result in these self-centered assholes, but there must be a plethora of them. In the end, bad parenting leads to a world full of narcissistic goobernuts.6 Viewing the world as your personal realm is a weight that the majority of us are hobbled with.

Today, I was told the following story. This is wonderful example of douchebaggery. 13 years ago a colleague and his wife were Resident Assistants at their university.7 While fighting dorm crime, they busted a resident for some alcohol related incident.8 Rules are rules and this guy was in the wrong. The interesting part about this is that my colleague has no recollection of this event, and was only reminded of it today when the criminal emailed him.9 This (now) middle school principal informed my colleague that he has always remembered this incident and uses my colleague’s enforcement technique as a tool to teach people “how not to treat others.” This criminal turned principal does admit that he doesn’t include the part about the alcohol. Hey if you do the crime be proud and don’t sugar coat the story. Own your douchebaggery, own it proudly.

My colleague asked my opinion on a proper response. I suggested thanking the douche and then letting him know that my colleague is honored to have affected this dude’s life for 13 years… or respond with a simple “blow me.” I am proud that I have a colleague who is capable of affecting people’s lives so intensely and for so long. I guess parents aren’t the only ones who fuck up people’s lives.

1. Obviously, traffic and pedestrian lights are nothing more than “suggestions.”

2. For the record, I could care less if the call center is in Biloxi, Mississippi, or Bombai, India. Actually, I prefer the Indian over the redneck. The Indian at least speaks proper English and has manners.

3. This is the point where you say “thank you little plastic baby Jesus for keeping Sublimemonkey’s genetics out of the world’s swimming pool.” My genes are very cartoonish, but shouldn’t be mistaken for these cartoon genes:


4. They have their own over/under achievements to claim.

5. I do, however, like to play a thinking game when tooling down the interstate. I look over into a passing car and wonder about the occupants. I wonder about their lives, joys, pains, past, and future. Then I tell myself that our meeting, and passing, on the interstate is the only moment our lives will intersect. Then I gleefully imagine smashing my rental into their minivan. Don’t hate me because I am beautiful, hate me because my sense of humor leans to the dark side. Thankfully, I ignore my inner Darth Vader when he tells me to “use the force.”

6. For the record, I could care less what sort of sports-related societal issues have affected these people. Whether or not Johnny got a trophy in Little League is not something I concern myself with. A small percentage of people will always get by in life regardless of their actions as adults. For the most part though, the majority of us will have to face life equipped with whatever tools our parents give us, and the tools life’s experiences give us. These kids who have never known failure or disappointment will learn it soon enough as adults. Sucks to be them.

7. They must have been the most awesome collegiate crime fighting duo of all times. I hope they wore capes.

8. I was busted so many times for alcoholic related incidents in college that I finally moved into an apartment. Who needs that type of bullshit?

9. My colleagues email address was obtained through their university’s alumni magazine. That is one of the reasons never to join your college’s alumni association. My colleague still doesn’t remember the incident… it was 13 years ago.


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