Instructions not included

While in Wal-Mart1 recently, I saw a lady buying a baby. Obviously she was buying it because it looked brand new and it was in her shopping cart. It wasn’t wrapped up in a box or plastic, so I am assuming that this little bundle of shit and vomit was really, really cheap. Probably purchased off the Christmas left-overs’ shelf.2 One of the dangers of buying babies, and other previously opened items, from Wal-Mart3 is that there is a high probability that the instruction manual is missing.

Because of this lack of instruction manuals for babies and kids, there is a bunch of bloggers4 who have taken it upon themselves to provide “rules” for raising kids. The Mom at People I Want to Punch in the Throat first provided a list of rules for Mothers of Sons. She followed that with Rules for Parents of Daughters. This in turn resulted in a Dad, at guyspeak, providing a few more rules. The intertubes is literally scorching with the reblogging of these rules and the comments seem to be alive with other parents jumping in and commenting on how great these “rules” are… and adding their own.

I am no parent,5 (SO IGNORE EVERYTHING I HAVE TO SAY) but I imagine everyone who is a member of the parenthood cult6 gets accosted by other cult members on how they should raise their kids. Everyone loves to be a “Good Idea Fairy,”7 everyone loves to tell you how to raise your kids. I can’t imagine my parents got as much “how to raise your kids” information as compared with the information overload that is happening today. It’s a virtual shitstorm of parenting assistance on the Internet.

I don’t have issue with the aforementioned blogs, but I do have some comments on some of their rules. I feel my childfree life provides a unique perspective.8 I’m not going to give you rules for raising your kids. I’m just gonna be snarky and sarcastic about the rules I have read. I will start with the Mothers of Sons rules:

Teach him what a skank9 is so he’ll never bring one home. If my son brings this girl home,


he’d better be paying his own bills – and she’d better be 25 posing like that.” Okay… I get the gist of this rule. Teach your son to find, date, and fall in love and have babies with someone who is exactly like his mother. This also seems like a slippery slope of dictating matters of the heart, or at a minimum, it sounds very similar to the idea of not dating outside your race or socio-economic class. Finally, the age of consent in most states is 18, so why does a woman have to wait until 25 to pose “like that?” This is purtanical and sounds as if a mother’s love is conditional.

“Everyone really liked the rule about teaching your son how to do laundry.  Why stop at laundry?  How about vacuuming, dusting and dishes too?  He will thank you someday, because we all know there is nothing hotter than a man doing housework!”

 Really? Really? People don’t teach their kids the importance of cleaning up after themselves? And you are going to follow this up with the hypocrisy of a picture that is titled “Porn for Women” (in a positive manner) soon after posting a picture that some may call “Porn for Men?” (in a negative manner). The lesson I get from this is that women will find me hot if I clean house. Hey, how hot is it when you find out I am fucking OCD and scrub my floors on my hands and knees and will get really pissed at you for leaving your fucking high heels in the living room, your dirty panties on the bedroom floor, or that your can of Diet Tab left a ring on the coffee table that I clean daily?

“Teach him to use a tissue.  Every time you pull up to a red light what do you see?  A grown man digging for gold…i.e., boogers.  Obviously, his mother never taught him to use a tissue.  Disgusting.” My nose, my finger, my boogers… keep your tissue-cleaned nose out of my business. I’m in MY car listening to “Du Hast” and sometimes I like rocking to Deutsch metal by digging for gold!

“Teach him to put the damn seat down on the toilet.  Don’t drop it with a bang.  Gently put it down.  (After he’s taken a piece of TP and wiped his up his dribble.)  Better yet, never teach him to stand to pee.” As an OCD cleaner, I sit down to piss because I don’t like cleaning up urine. However, the whole banging thing seems “excessive for the Carolina league.” At least the boy puts the seat down. If you raise him as male porn star who cleans (see two rules above), he should have no problem with this rule.

“Teach him to scratch and/or adjust his balls in private – and NEVER with a fork.” Very good point, and trust me… never use a fucking fork! Backscratchers are a better ball itch rectifier. But never, never, never use a Black & Decker belt sander.

– “Teach your son it’s OK to cry, but only if he’s really hurt.  Right now my 7 year old is so “in touch” with his sensitive side it’s all I can do not to call him “cry baby.”  The boy cried today because he lost a Beyblades match!  I really need to see blood if I’m going to see tears or I fear for his future.” Well, what you forgot was it is also okay to cry during Brian’s Song, Ol’ Yeller, and Where the Red Fern Grows.

***Now on to the Daughter “rules”

“Teach your daughter to never allow herself to be anyone’s property and that you will disown her if she ever wears shorts that claim otherwise.” Question: Do parents own clothing with namebrand logos on them? Just wondering. Again this whole conditional love thing.

“Teach your daughter to work with what she’s got and love what she’s got.  Tall, short, fat, thin, your daughter is beautiful – inside and out.  Make sure you tell her all the time and make sure she believes it.” Amen, you women are such bitches to each other, your damn magazines with skinny-ass models. No wonder us guys have to put up with the whole “does this make my ass look big” question (with no correct answer according to women). Here’s an idea, realize there are a lot of us men who like big asses. Answer: Sweetie, it doesn’t make your ass look big enough!

“Teach your daughter to value herself enough to defend herself – physically and verbally.  Let your daughter watch “The Burning Bed.”  She’ll never forget it and she’ll always know she has “options” if she finds herself in an abusive relationship.” A-fucking-men! Abusive douche bags deserve to be killed. However, ensure that it doesn’t lead to her being a manipulative and mean-spirited bitch… men will never get away with burning a bitch in her bed (life is unfair that way).

“Teach your daughter to never text/email/snail mail naked photos of herself to anyone.  Ever.  Ever.  Ever.” I get the point, especially for underage girls… but never ever. ever. ever? What if her significant other/spouse/partner is deployed to Muthafuckingstan fighting a war? Is it okay for her to send naked photos then? Again we got some purtanical thought going on in some instances, but not others (see “Porn for Women”). I know the response everyone thinks right now is “Hey sublimemonkey, this mom is talking about her young daughter.” Yeah, I know but I’m talking about the adult this young daughter is going to grow into. Adults are fucked up enough as it is, and adult sexuality seems to be majorily affected by bad parenting. How about we just say “two consenting adults should be allowed to do what they want.”

“Teach your daughter that bigger boobs isn’t necessarily a good thing.” AND they aren’t necessarily a bad thing either. See comments about big asses.

“Teach your daughter to beat the boys at their own games.” Like, enjoying porn… for women of course, not pictures of hot young women who are “skanks.”

“Teach your daughter that her choices in life are limitless.  She really can do anything – except maybe use the Men’s Restroom.” Whoa… I thought women felt men’s pissers were fair game too? I cannot count the number of times I have been waiting outside a bar’s pisser when a “skank” has emerged from behind the locked door. But, being the caring individual I am, I just smile. Because I realize they don’t have the option of pissing in the empty beer pitcher while sitting at the table (or at least it is a little harder  for them logistically… those damn tight jeans are hard to get down and up while sitting at the table).

I have no rules for your kids, but I got one for you parents: Raise your kids as you see fit, they didn’t come with rules when you bought them… so why fuck up the fun with rules?

1. Like everyone else, I love People of Wal-Mart in person and on the web.

2. This baby would have been right there beside the remaining Christmas cards and stale candy canes.

3. Babies bought at Nieman-Marcus would not only have an instruction manual but would include a nanny to actually raise the kid for you.

4. Blogging is a great way to give people unsolicited advice and empowers the blogger to delete comments they don’t agree with. I have never deleted nor will I ever delete a comment. Please feel free to comment about anything you want… I don’t give a shit.

5. I’m a great uncle of 2 nieces and 2 nephews though. I feed them tons of sugars, encourage fort building, participate in said fort destruction, and allow ice cream and coke to be the breakfast food of choice. By the way, I have a 16 year-old jeep-driving niece which makes me feel old (how in the fuck can I have a niece who drives? a JEEP!), and a 4 year-old niece who refuses to answer to her name, instead she demands to be called Jessie (Toy Story II).

6. Yes, it is a cult. A giant fucking cult whose members will constantly tell you how wonderful kids are and then complain about their spouse’s shitty parenting skills. Or tell you how wonderful kids are… until they get a couple of drinks in them, then they will start talking about all the things they miss when they were childless. The true sign of this cult is the way society almost demands it of people, and then punishes women/moms who attempt to work AND raise children. The internet has become their way to spread their “pamphlets.” Keep your Kool-Aid to yourself please.

7. Basically, everyone is a turd-identifier… anyone can fucking point out a turd in the punchbowel, but it takes a real person to scoop it out. I LOVE being a turd-identifier.

8. Unique as in worthless.

9. “Skank” is defined as:

Derogatory term for a (usually younger) female, implying trashiness or tackiness, lower-class status, poor hygiene, flakiness, and a scrawny, pockmarked sort of ugliness. May also imply promiscuity, but not necessarily. Can apply to any race, but most commonly used to describe white trash. (Urban Dictionary)
As you can see, that pictured female does not possess poor hygiene or any sort of ugliness… except her ass may be a little too small, and well… her boobs may need to be a bit bigger.

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