What’s wrong with you people?

“My specialty is being right when other people are wrong”

George Bernard Shaw

If you Google “slutty bee wings” it will give you a link to a lingerie and adult costume website with the picture above. This link is the first website Google provides. As a man who recently wore a purple tutu proudly while running the Galveston Island (TX) Mardi Gras Half-Marathon,1 this picture immediately sparked my interest and made me wonder how this outfit would do as running gear.2 “Slutty bee wings” is also the number one search term for the month of February on the statistics page of my blog. Upon realizing this recently, I Googled “slutty bee wings” and dug ten pages deep through the search results. I never found a link or reference to my blog. It seems, however, that this search term resulted in 3 readers not only getting a link to my blog, but they also clicked on my blog. I have no fucking idea how “slutty bee wings” and my blog are connected.

My blog’s overall search term stats are kind of interesting, and also tell me that there are people out there that Google some stupid shit… and, oh search for stuff that seems to be on my mind too. I would like to say that this list of search terms is a collection of intellectual words and ideas. It isn’t.

Overall, the term “road house” is the largest referer to my blog. This makes complete sense, considering I wrote a blog advocating James Dalton for president. This popularity obviously reinforces my idea that America needs and wants a “cooler” for president. The second overall referer is… yep, you guessed it: “slutty bee wings.” Again, I have no idea how me and slutty Halloween costumes are related, especially insect-related slutty Halloween costumes.

“Jap skulls” rounds out the top three. This is related to my blog on the youtube video of U.S. Marines pissing on some dead Taliban fighters, and I point out that this is calm compared to the acts some of our service members did in World War II. The video went viral and anything related to it got caught up in the shitstorm and my blog had the biggest hit that day. Interestingly, this is the only blog post I have written that has been reposted on a chat board. Seems there are a number of bikers in Indiana that agreed with my sentiments and referenced my blog repeatedly in their discussions.

These search terms only make it to my stat page if A) a person enters the term and then B) clicks on the link to my blog post. I am not math wizard, but I imagine a significant number of these odd-term Internet searchers went on to read my blog posts. This provides me a small bit of joy, thinking how some sad individual went looking for a slutty bee outfit and ended up on my blog. Here is a partial list of the remaining search terms that I found interesting:

Nena : Yes I love her, and so do others. Her German tantalizing ways are so endearing. ICH LIEBE DICH NENA!

war trophies : Again, a reference to my blog about urinating Marines. For the record, that blog post got my largest single day readership.3

ford lightning burnout : This had to be an image search because I have a picture of a Ford Mustang burning out in one of my posts.

natonal.geocrap.ul sexy : These aren’t even real words, except “sexy.”4 I Googled it and got a bunch a garbage and something references “Google Code.” Google is so horny for itself that way.

four horses of the apocalypse names : This is a really old reference to one of my original blog posts about a sign of the apocalypse being a show about little kids who are preachers, or about Apocalypse Now, or my post-apocalypse survival strategies. Wow, I have an apocalypse fetish.

kim jong il bullshit : Two things, 1) I wrote two blogs on Kim Jong Il’s death, and 2) I use “bullshit” a lot in my posts, so this result makes perfect sense.

philip bobbit : Woo hoo! Shout out to the National War College and thick ass books talking about the future of war and the 20th century wars over constitutional theories.

billy ray cyrus : I hate him and his weed toking daughter.

Middle Tennessee State University : Woo hoo! Shout out to my under graduate alma mater.4

Hank iii fuckin train song : Definitely referencing my favorite “I’ve been drinking a lot of bourbon so this is a perfect time to write a post” blog.

Victorian child porn : I sure hope the FBI isn’t looking for me with a warrant for child pornography charges. For the record officer, I was calling Lewis Carroll a potential perv.

Mercedes-Benz 1978 : Pure, unadulterated German automobile sex. Again, probably an image search.

Oklahoma biscuits and gravy : The searcher probably wanted a recipe, what they got was me talking about the stupidity of me knowing all the words to the song “You’re the Reason God Made Oklahoma.”

Prediction about Pakistan : Okay, this one I feel bad about. Someone was probably wanting to get some real information on the milpol situation in Pakistan/Afghanistan, but instead they got my blog post. I am more than positive my blog totally disappointed them, I am now officially apologizing.

56 Chevy truck axle clearance : If I find out this was my Dad… I am going to really go to jail, and not on child porn charges but patricide.

North Korea torture testicles : I didn’t know my identical twin existed, but obviously they do. Who in the hell uses the term “North Korea torture testicles” other than me. Unlike the inquisitive soul who searched for “Prediction on Pakistan,” I bet the “North Korea torture testicles” searcher read and enjoyed my blog post that mentions it.

Haggar slack factory date closed in Lawton OK : I referenced Lawton, Oklahoma in one post, now out-work textile employees are reading my shit. Hey, sorry about the job loss but on the bright side you now have more time to read my bullshit.

New security paradigm : Again, shout out to National War College, but don’t trust me… I make this shit up.

Boy Scout Troop 41 Bad Nauheim : Sort of a weird one here. I not only lived in Bad Nauheim, Germany, in the early 80s but I was also, for a short time, a Boy Scout in Troop 41 then.5

1950 Dixie Youth baseball league and why it was formed : You didn’t know it’s South Carolina racism that started it, huh?

kids nudes : Again officer, I was calling Lewis Carroll a perv.

Alice Liddell : I’m sorry for ruining your image of Lewis Carroll, but Ms. Cat Lady it is best you knew the truth.

Disciplining action of a coffee shop : “Dude, you think they are going to fire me for pissing in the coffee?”….”Nah, dude. But they gonna do something to you. Google how them fuckers in management are going to bust your balls.”

Hank 111 dog barking song : Yeah it is fucking weird and definitely worth Googling and then listening to.

1. My official time for running 13.1 miles was 2 hours and 19 seconds, which equates to an average pace of 10 minutes and 37 seconds per mile. I ranked 50th out of 75 in my age group. Not great, but not bad considering the half-assed effort I put into training for this race. For the record, it was the worst weather I have ever run a race in. Low 40s, constant rain, sustained 15-18mph winds which were pure hell when running along the sea wall (approximately 7 miles). The wind was so strong, my tutu was flattened against me for most of the race. Finally… other dudes don’t like being passed by a guy in a tutu.

2. Now I wonder if long distance runners are going to be linked to my blog, I can just imagine the following conversation: “Hey honey, any idea if the results of the Galveston Half-Marathon are up yet?”  

“No idea sweetie, why don’t you google ‘Galveston Half Marathon results” 

“Good idea honey…. HOLY SHIT! Why did I just get a link to a blog post about slutty bee wings? HOLY DOUBLE SHIT! This dumbass ran it too… oh, it was that guy in the purple tutu.” 

“Sweetie, which guy? There were two of them.”

Yeah, Rob (my BFF) ran in one too, and his wife did too.

3. 127

4. It only took me 6 years to get a BA in history from MTSU.

5. Interesting fact: I was once in a Boy Scout commercial that aired on Armed Forces Network television. In the summer of 1982, I went to BS camp and was filmed rappeling. This footage of me (nearly shitting myself as I fell in an ungracefull manner down a nylon rope) was later used in an AFN commercial. My 15 minutes of fame.

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