Umph, oh, umph, ah ah, umph, oh, umph ah ah
all the shawties in the club
let me see yo chest
back it up, drop it down
let me see yo chest
get low n scrub the ground
let me see yo chest
push it up, push it up
let me see yo chest – V.I.C. “Wobble Baby“
V.I.C.’s “Wobble Baby” is a subgenre of rap that is called “strip club rap.” This subgenre… this infectious bump and grind… is specifically designed to emulate the sound of strip clubs, and at the same time, be the modern sound of strip club dancing. There are even attempts to chronicle the top strip club songs. This “top and timeless” strip club get-nekkid-anthems are actually nothing more than a list of recent rap and dance songs made to fit either the titty bar or the club. This “chronicle” doesn’t include Motley Crue’s strip club anthem of “Girls, Girls, Girls”… thus it isn’t a top or timeless anything. Whereas this list of top 10 strip club songs does seem to be a bit more “timeless”… even though it seems more of an ode to bad 1980’s hair band music than actual stripping… 80’s hair bands tended to have a thing for strippers, or at least that is what their videos seemed to tell me back then. I, however, tend to agree more with this heavy-on-the-hair-band-songs list and I feel compared to share it with you.
- “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard
- “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails
- “Cherry Pie” by Warrant
- “Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crue
- “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent (be sure to pronounce that as “fiddy”)
- “American Woman” by Guess Who or Lenny Kravitz
- “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC
- “Milkshake” by Kelis
- “Hot in Herre” by Nelly
- “Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson
Other than the stupid “Milkshake” song… I have to say that this is pretty damn good list of strip club songs. Music makes the moment when workin’ it for the dollar bills. Many can argue for and against strip clubs… bragging… investing in small businesses and capitalism… objectified women… assisting in paying for some girl’s “college education”… attending a bachelor party… I like titties and asses… all valid comments.
I have visited quite a number of strip clubs in my life. It seems I go in spurts (no pun intended) of periods where I go years without stepping foot within the neon-lit rooms of nekkid women and then I will go through a period when I frequent one or two within months of each other. I am not usually a lap dance participant… my strip club experience is limited to going with either a significant other… yes I have gone to strip clubs with women… or in a group… either bachelor parties or fellow soldiers away from home. I, by no means, consider myself a strip club expert, but I do have enough experience to have a couple of thoughts on them due to either my nerdy inquiry… through actual conversations with strippers and waitresses… or through general observation. Please note… I have never, never, never eaten food at a strip club.
It is a business: I have paid for a stripper’s time to inquire on the general business practices. Strippers are usually independent contractors with their own tax ID. They pay the club to gain the “right” to perform on stage and then earn their income through dollar bills stuffed in panties and garters or through payment for services rendered… lap dances and titties-to-the-face slaps. Strippers have to pay for their own shoes and outfits… this may seem like a low overhead but have you gone into an Adam and Eve store lately and looked at how much those shoes and skimpy outfits cost? One stripper in Dallas informed me that she made as much as $3000 a night, usually on weekends, and that Asian businessmen were the biggest tippers and young fraternity boys were the worst… and the most grabby… imagine that. The most respectful tended to be older, white, blue-collar men… bikers were especially noted for their respectful attitude. Waitresses at strip clubs don’t make as much money, but the pay is steady. Obviously, most strip club owners don’t offer any sort of health care or retirement benefit… there is a market here and I am trying to figure out how to work the stripper and strip club employee pool. One could argue that in a free market, strip clubs are a shining example of supply and demand.
European strip clubs differ from American ones: I have been to strip clubs in London, Frankfurt, and Budapest. European strip clubs tend to be more dance focussed… the ladies actually have skills… but Budapest was the exception… what they lacked in dancing ability they made up for in beauty. Hungarian women are stunningly beautiful… long legs… large chests… a smooth complexion… dark, dark, dark hair. Unfortunately, in former communist countries stripping is even more closely associated with prostitution than their western European neighbors and the US. In a very upscale and swanky strip club in Budapest, I was nearly molested by numerous strippers that were not only trying to make a living by stripping but also offering sexual favors… deployed American soldiers are known for their money. A saying in the former communist world is “Russian and American soldiers are alike, both are horny… but Americans have money and the Russians are broke.” Additionally, European strippers don’t make money through lap dances… they make money by offering “company”… one pays for a stripper’s drink and she then sits with you while she drinks it… these drinks cost anywhere from $50-$100… and they are nonalcoholic.
Strip clubs are usually disappointing: Dallas… the big D… one expects the scene from Tin Cup… where the strip club owner (Doreen) states to a new and young stripper:
Becky, come here, sweetheart. Right now, hurry up. Your natural thing is really sweet, but we don’t do natural here. We do big and bold, colorful hair, lots of it. Look at me.
Unfortunately, when I went in Baby Dolls in Dallas what I found was nothing but young ladies attempting to do the natural thing. Straight hair… no colorful make up… no large boobs… no extravagant outfits or dances… overall snooze fest. Stripping is entertainment… it can be sexy… it can be funny… but when it is boring… it can be extremely boring. Vegas seemed to have a high concentration of very attractive women who are covered in tattoos… this seems to be the new look in strippers… lots and lots of ink… and I am not complaining. Unfortunately, like most strip clubs… the Vegas clubs are pretty boring and seemed to be filled with young women who were unable to make it as dance line women who make better money in casino shows. If one wants to have a good time in a strip club one has to either be willing to spend a lot of money for a little physical interaction or go in with the knowledge that the strip club and the strippers are background and setting for an evening with friends or dates. Going to see nekkid women as the number one reason usually results in disappointment.
In the end, and in my opinion, strip clubs seemed to play better music than your average bar or club. The drinks are pricey like any club and seemed to be no more water downed than any drink in any other bar… fully nude strip clubs usually do not serve alcohol though. Strip clubs in large cities or vacation destinations seem to be couple friendly… and usually offer free or reduced entrance costs due to the fact you are bringing a woman in other than a dancer. If you want to stand out as a bad muthafucka in a strip club… take a date.
I make no judgements about those who go to strip clubs or work in strip clubs. I would be a hypocrit and find that in any society… there will always be supply and demand. I have no moral objections to the visual selling of sex and I have no objections to the regulated and legalization of prostitution… I do object, however, to the idea that the two go hand-in-hand. Strippers in legitimate clubs are not prostitutes and most of the prostitutes I have seen would never make a single dollar dancing on a stage. Finally, I judge no one who works an honest job for honest pay… stripping is legal work and I support that… plus I support anyone who makes a living dancing to 1980’s hair band music.
*Endnote: The best strip club story I know doesn’t involve me… this is a story that has been told numerous times. Names will not be mentioned because of the guilty parties… but there is truck stop/strip club near my family’s farm in Tennessee, the Boobie Bungalow (Google it). Supposedly, it is one of those sad strip clubs that caters to the interstate and rural set. I know of one friend who walked in and walked right out. I also know that I had some male family members who went… supposedly on a lark… and found the strippers scarred and ugly… however they didn’t immediately leave. The true entertainment of the story is the fact that one of my male family members actually fell asleep while sitting inside the strip club while titties were bouncing on stage. Now that is an indictment if I have ever heard of one… “Known to make you nap.”